Blurred lines

What a week!  We received more information about both of the boys we’re interested in yesterday.  And since then my brain has been swimming.  Everything is blurry.  And I go round and round and round… and so of course I have to write.

I can’t speak for Jean at this point.  It has been a very busy week and we haven’t spent a lot of quality time together in the past few days.  Tonight will probably be the first time we’ll really be able to talk in depth again since we learned this new info.

Yesterday we learned that our home study has been reviewed by the team of the 13 year old.  They think that we would be a very good match for him, and are confident that this could be successful.  They also shared that the family was going to be asked to provide feedback before the end of June, and have asked us to see if we would wait that time.  It’s hard at this point to agree on waiting… not because it’s a long time, but if we wait, and then something else happens, then we’ve lost a lot of time that we could have put into other options.  Once again, our social worker knew just what to do – she told them that we would wait while exploring other options.

Then we learned a bit more about the 16 year old.  Without going into details (this is a public site after all), there are some things to think about.  And of course a 16-almost-17-year-old is MUCH different than a 13-almost-14-year-old!

My mind keeps going back and forth – “so this would be different/easier/harder/more interesting/scary/awesome/overwhelming/sad/insert-other-adjective-here”.  Ha!  And then I will feel like my gut is telling me something, but I can’t explain it or justify it.  Then a few hours later, my gut will say something different.

I feel like this could be compared to deciding to marry someone based on a few paragraphs, maybe a photo, and the information you hear from a source or two.  That’s it.  Making a decision that will affect your life moving forwards on the basics.  And I know we’re not alone in this, countless people have gone through this, and more will… it is just a lot to take in.

And I’m not sure of the HOW of things.  I mean, some people say “Oh I just knew that was the child for us when we read the profile” – I haven’t had that moment.  But maybe I won’t.  And that’s ok.  I think…

BUT I’m still positive.  Overwhelmed, but not negatively so.  More overwhelmed that we are blessed with choice, and information, and the kindness of those in the system… wow!  I have no doubts, no regrets, I know that this was the path we were meant to follow.  And that is HUGE for someone who overthinks and obsesses about things (yes, I just admitted that in public – ha!).  In a weird way, I enjoy thinking about these kids – even if they’re not the ones for us.  I admire them so much!  They have all been through some crazy crap in their short lives, and yet they’re saying “I want a family” AND they’re putting that decision in someone else’s hands.  They have less information than we do!  How brave is that?!?!

So I choose to be thankful, and happy, and blessed.  And I look forward to wading on, and to unblurring the lines a bit.  It will come to us, I know it will.  And who knows – next week might bring more choices.  Just gotta roll with it!  We’ll get there…

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